Premarital Sex

As many people know, this is the season of Lent. Usually God puts something on my heart during Lent and this year something so profound has been on my heart I ended up wanting to share it. I will try to make this a friendly read for all ages but am going to be completely real about what I am about to say.

Lent is a time to dwell on the awfulness of our sin and also God’s wonderful forgiveness. If it were not for Jesus dying on the cross, we would not have true love and forgiveness at all. One of my huge past sins that God has forgiven me for is premarital sex. I am so thankful for this and for Him making me new, but it sure has come with baggage at times.

I engaged in this activity having come from a rough childhood and already having PTSD from other events. I let men use me thinking I was worth nothing, not knowing my worth was in Christ… and even then it still took awhile to stop.

I had low self-esteem, I did drugs and drank, I dressed immodestly. I just didn’t care. I felt unloved in the world and thought that the only way to be accepted was to be used. I learned to turn my brain off during the encounters, yet cried afterward feeling so dirty and sad. It wasn’t making me feel loved or better, it only made me feel worse.

People may engage in premarital sex for a myriad of reasons. Maybe they are struggling to feel loved. Maybe they are trying to make ends meet. Maybe they just don’t see anything wrong with it or justify their behavior. I mean, everyone who does this can have different reasons but the bottom line is God’s word never changes. The world may change, the devil may influence us in ways and a lot more sin is becoming “accepted”. But sin is sin and it doesn’t matter why you do it, God wants His best for you and for you not to do it.

I am now married for a little over a year and a half and what I am about to share is hard for me to but it has to be said. My previous actions have certainly affected my intimacy and marriage. I am not going to sugar coat this. I am forgiven in Christ, yes I turned from the sin but there are consequences.

My PTSD grew worse from having premarital sex. Even with counseling (Christian and non-Christian), I have still struggled at times in this area. I can barely stand to see a kiss on a tv show or movies without feeling triggered. (My husband and I do not have cable and barely watch anything but news, thank God!) When I hear of sexual assault I am reminded of times I was assaulted. I have nightmares sometimes and panic attacks.

God is healing me and I have come a long way, but I will always need the Lord to mold me and help me.

I know some people don’t have sex willingly or are assaulted. I have been assaulted as well. But I really want people to know, if you are having premarital sex… seek God. Don’t do it. This is coming from someone who has been affected by it in so many ways. You are not doomed forever, you can be forgiven and find healing however, the longer you carry on with it, the harder it can be to heal from.

Jesus loves us, our worth is in him. If you have peace and are engaging in this, it is not of God, it is the devil in my opinion. Pray for conviction.

God wants His best for us, for you, for everyone. He can make us new. But we have to truly acknowledge the sin and give it to the Lord and pray for deliverance, maybe even ask others to pray. (My pastors I have had have been asked by me a ton of times to pray lol but never once complained).

If there are situations leading to premarital sex and temptation to do so, examine what they are. Certain movies, television shows, even music believe it or not, can influence us as well. The devil will use anything.

I am not writing this to judge others. I am not perfect at all and now whoever may read this, knows that even more. I am writing this because I have been affected and regret my past. It has deeply affected me and while I am improving as I said, I don’t want others to have to endure this.

I am so thankful for Jesus dying for our sins. I am grateful to have been delivered from that sin however, I am not sinless and never will be until Heaven.

If you are struggling with this, or any sin…I encourage you to pray and read the Bible. Ask others to pray. If you are struggling to see any sin in your life, pray about that too because the Spirit will convict you so you can become more Christlike.

May everyone have a most blessed Lenten season in our loving Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen.

 

^” If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” – 1 John 1:9

 

“Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.” 1 Corinthians 6:16

 

^“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.”- 2 Corinthians 5:17

 

“The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.”- Psalm 51:17

 

“He heals the brokenhearted And binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3

 

 

Prozac and Prayer

So I had my psychiatric appointment last Wednesday and it went well. The woman I saw is a Christian and it was great to be able to talk about that intertwined with my treatment because Jesus is the biggest part of my life. I don’t always show it and I sin a lot but I really do love Jesus because He loved me first.

So anyhow my Prozac is increased and everything else is staying the same. The higher dose has me feeling better at times and quite uneasy at others. I am having more nightmares and weird dreams waking up feeling like I am going to die (okay not literally but it does get hard to breathe).

I am working on reminding myself that adjusting to this medication in the first place last year brought some challenging times but then once it kicked in, it was great. So this is quite normal for me.

I feel bad though because at church last night I struggled at times with heightened anxiety from the dose and tried really hard to pay attention to the sermon and not my heart racing. But I am glad we went and am looking forward to Ash Wednesday coming up.

I am praying a lot for God’s will with this medication as well as the rest of my life but waiting in general can be hard…for anything. So I try to meditate on the Bible and His promises and all He has done for me none of which I deserve and I know that soon, whatever His will is..will be done.

I have to be honest, sometimes I find myself wishing I was someone else with like a different past. Perhaps nurturing parents, having a driver’s license, no abuse of any kind but God uses all of us in different ways and I feel like God reaffirmed this at the service last night. No matter how broken I am, no matter what mental illnesses I struggle with.. God can still use me.

For now, it will be prayer and filling eggs for the church hunt on Easter. But honestly…sometimes I  hope it will be more, and maybe it will be. But for now… whatever I do is for God… PTSD and all.

Princess (For my twin sister)

Princess (For my twin sister) by polymorphing featuring a heart shaped pendant

Princess

I miss Princess, my sister’s cat who passed away almost 2 months ago. She was very loving and attached to my sister. I wanted to post this here as a tribute to Princess and also so that I can use this piece to make my sister special artwork on Polyvore.

 

I love you, Lord. Please heal my sister’s aching heart.

 

Princess on my prayer shawl.

“Love” | heART of Worship Bible Journaling

This is so cute!

Multiplicity Crafts

For today’s Bible art journaling entry, I am going with the theme of love. The scripture I chose in 1st Corinthians 13 was actually the one that was read at our wedding – so it has a special meaning to me. Verses 4-7 state: “Charity [love] suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.”

Remember, it’s best if you prime your page using a clear Gesso before beginning. I like to coat the front and back of the page so the paper won’t curl up on the edges. Once the Gesso is dry, you’re ready to begin creating. I have all of the supplies you’ll…

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Missing my Pika

I miss my Pikachu. He passed away at almost 7 years old a little over a year ago. I like to lay a bit low at times with photos but I just wanted to share…the last photo of him alive. My husband has a video of him eating treats too not long before he died. My mom sent it to his phone as I have been out of my home state for almost 3 years.

 

To those who mourn, to those who suffer, to those who struggle…you are not alone. I pray for everyone on WordPress in general and then people whose posts I read. May God bless you all and lift up your spirits and guide you as you seek His will for your lives. May he heal you all and help you have strength to face challenging times, which although are so incredibly painful, do not compare with the joy of eternity.

 

God bless you all. My heart goes out to you…and to my Pikachu, too.

Oh Pikachu, not a day goes by where momma does not think of you. I love you so. I hope you are doing well in Heaven and Jesus lets you know what I am saying to you in my words and heart. I know you wouldn’t want me to be sad. You touched my life so much. I will see you again in Heaven, my little one.

Great News

My doctor has said I can resume my original medication dose as prescribed. The taper was getting to me and I caved and had to say something. I remember my pastor mentioning to me that if it got bad, let the doctor know. I held back like “No, I have to do this.” And in the end, it was too much too soon of a taper at least for me. So yay for that and thank You, Lord and for all who prayed.

Another thing I would like to say is that my psychiatric appointment was moved from May to February! Another huge blessing. My primary care recently changed and I think he is not really comfortable prescribing benzo medications which I can see because he is not a psychiatric doctor. My previous PCP was also an assistant professor at a medical school so I think he was a bit more seasoned in psychiatry and comfortable with my medication regiment.

So I just wanted to give an update and give praise to the Lord. I feel a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders right now and that God has truly had mercy upon my undeserving soul.

May God bless you all as you seek His will for your lives.

In Jesus Name, Amen

 

New Year

My husband and I have been in prayer together as well, as alone with the Lord, about the New Year. I have one word that keeps coming to mind, perhaps the Lord is putting it in my heart. That word is “obedience”.

There are so many goals we can and should set for the new year and anytime, really but a lot of it comes down to self-control and obedience. I want to be in God’s will and more trusting of Him. I crave more of His peace… His presence.

So my biggest goal for the new year is to grow in the Lord and obey. Reading His word, getting to church, really praying and earnestly seeking Him. I want to be more like Jesus. I want to bear fruit for His kingdom.

I just felt like writing a bit about it as it has been on my heart. I hope that everyone has a most blessed New Year in the Lord and that we remember, the New Year is a fresh start in a way, but each time we repent, when we take communion, when we ask forgiveness… we have a fresh start, too. (I am not meaning you can only repent taking communion, it is just special to me and I mean we repent in that as well).

God bless everyone. His will be done for it is best.

Verse of the Day (Biblegateway)

Verse of the Day (Biblegateway) by polymorphing featuring country style home decor

Down

I am feeling down but I wanted to write. I had a blessed Christmas dwelling upon the birth of Jesus. It was bittersweet. I say bittersweet because while it was nice, I am quite a ways from my family and this is the 3rd Christmas that I have not seen them. But I asked God to help me focus on blessings and most of all, Jesus. It is about Him…not me. He must increase, I must decrease.

So today I feel down. My twin’s cat died on the 19th right before Christmas. My Klonopin taper is kinda blah but I have found Valerian Root to help. Basically I am doing it where I take 1 pill instead of 2 for a couple to few days then take 2 for a day, then take 1 for a couple to few days. It really depends on how I can handle it.

Then my hormones are kicking in and since I have PMDD and then other issues… I feel a mess. I miss my family but honestly, I don’t really know if they even miss me. I don’t want to waste time dwelling on sadness yet somehow I become engulfed in it.

I finally went to Biblegateway for the verse of the day to make my Polyvore and it was very fitting. ( I will post that art in just a moment). It was Matthew 11:28.

I guess with that being said… I cry out to the Lord. This is not our permanent home. Feelings are fleeting and so are hormones. And hopefully somehow the car can be okay unless we rent one..and we can have the means to see family. But until then there is Jesus, the hubs, cats, and church.

God’s will be done…not mine. Sorry to anyone who may actually read this if it is jumbled. I feel down and I also just took some Valerian Root extract which I have to say once it kicks in is such a natural blessing and Godsend.

God bless everyone and may you all have a wonderful 2017.