So I had my psychiatric appointment last Wednesday and it went well. The woman I saw is a Christian and it was great to be able to talk about that intertwined with my treatment because Jesus is the biggest part of my life. I don’t always show it and I sin a lot but I really do love Jesus because He loved me first.
So anyhow my Prozac is increased and everything else is staying the same. The higher dose has me feeling better at times and quite uneasy at others. I am having more nightmares and weird dreams waking up feeling like I am going to die (okay not literally but it does get hard to breathe).
I am working on reminding myself that adjusting to this medication in the first place last year brought some challenging times but then once it kicked in, it was great. So this is quite normal for me.
I feel bad though because at church last night I struggled at times with heightened anxiety from the dose and tried really hard to pay attention to the sermon and not my heart racing. But I am glad we went and am looking forward to Ash Wednesday coming up.
I am praying a lot for God’s will with this medication as well as the rest of my life but waiting in general can be hard…for anything. So I try to meditate on the Bible and His promises and all He has done for me none of which I deserve and I know that soon, whatever His will is..will be done.
I have to be honest, sometimes I find myself wishing I was someone else with like a different past. Perhaps nurturing parents, having a driver’s license, no abuse of any kind but God uses all of us in different ways and I feel like God reaffirmed this at the service last night. No matter how broken I am, no matter what mental illnesses I struggle with.. God can still use me.
For now, it will be prayer and filling eggs for the church hunt on Easter. But honestly…sometimes I hope it will be more, and maybe it will be. But for now… whatever I do is for God… PTSD and all.