So I use this as a journal of sorts. I do have things I journal privately but some I do publicly in hopes that they may touch someone or help someone to know we can relate in ways. So I have a whole bunch of random thoughts I wanted to get out that have been on my mind as of late.
The first thing is this psychiatrist situation. My primary doctor left and he took care of my psychiatric medications. The man who replaced him wants me completely off of benzos. I feel like at times I am playing tug-of-war in my mind about this but I know ultimately, it is up to God. I am working on finding a psychiatrist but it is quite difficult. I am hoping next week when my husband most likely calls the place he goes to I can see a different doctor than he does there. But regardless of who handles my medications, I am finding myself more open to change. I am asking God for His help to accept it and that any changes would help me. I can honestly see why doctors such as my new one would be hesitant with medications like Klonopin or Ativan and despite them helping me so much, I believe with God anything is possible and so if they must go then He will help me whatever happens.
The next thing is the kitties in Heaven. My birthday is Sunday and it will be the first one with Pikachu and Princess in Heaven. The good and I guess weird thing is I only cried about it a little bit the other day. I believe God is helping me with this. He has to be as I am hormonal and my period is due within days and usually I would be sobbing almost uncontrollably. I miss those cats so much. I miss any cat I have ever met even the ones I nicknamed “Baby Smokey” and “Baby Tinky” at the pet store that I hope found homes. I am hoping next week we can stop by to find out. No we cannot take them.. I wish! I love cats but 3 is enough. Well for this amount of space, anyhow. But I loved petting them and I even e-mailed my pastor asking him to pray for them because I am a cat dork I think.
A third thing on my mind is my family. I have some in various states whom I miss very much but believe God is working on us until we see one another again. I have to get it out… it’s my birthday, the holidays… I miss them so much, I really do. The best things I believe I can do are pray for their salvation (so we can be together for eternity with Jesus, amen!), pray for their needs, show love and keep in touch. I haven’t seen them since April of 2014. I remember the rainy day as I boarded the plane to move out to the Midwest. I didn’t know at the time but later my twin sister told me she cried.
And that is the next thing. I miss my twin sister. I love her so much. Sadly, a lot of our adolescent years were spent apart. Now we are apart again. She hopes to move out here someday which could be neat. I don’t know God’s plan but I hope she can get a laptop soon or something so we can Skype or play games online like we used to. I am getting a bit choked up typing this. Wasn’t expecting this. I love her. She has dubbed us as “wombmates” lol and I miss her a lot. So I am hoping we will be in touch more. I did pray Wednesday night with my husband so we prayed together that I would hear from her and guess what? The next day I woke up to texts from her. So I am hoping God will open communication with us.
I want to end on a good note. I like to do this with journaling and also counselling too. Getting these things out in healthy ways is good so I don’t want to keep it bottled then explode…but I also want to remember God’s faithfulness and goodness no matter what.
I had a friend from Polyvore send me gifts and a card and even on the box my address was in a font that was cats 🙂 and another friend from Polyvore made me a card. She makes beautiful cards. My husband despite feeling sick brought me out to get some treats to enjoy this weekend for my birthday and my pastor called me this past week to pray with me and see how I am doing. And Advent is here. And I have an awesome husband and kitties. And the church I go to is just wonderful.
I don’t know what is going to come in the future with everything I have written about but I know that the most important thing is to seek God first.
But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.- Matthew 6:33