So it is 5am the Friday after Thanksgiving and I can’t sleep. I keep obsessing about this whole psychiatrist thing. I have made several calls which have led to dead ends. My current doctor says I need no referral and to call my insurance. I am just going in circles with no one to take me.

My husband and I said a lot of prayers for this tonight…well last night after our devotional and prayer time. I am trying to have faith that God has it all worked out. I hope I find one before my treatment is cut off. My new doctor wants to cut off my benzos. I am actually on quite small doses and it works so well… but now I have to lose it again possibly… and its sounding like cold turkey just like the last time. 😦

And so here I sit… with all of these posts and pieces of artwork on here and Polyvore about Jesus….and I obsess and I worry. I still have my PRN medicine but was told not to take it anymore so now I use the antihistamine. It helps me sleep so I will take it but when I am having a panic attack it is not fast like the Ativan.

Not many people know the depth of what I do or what happens to me during panic attacks, nightmares, or flashbacks. A couple of Polyvore people reading perhaps… but it gets bad. And The Lord has really helped me so much I just don’t want to lose my medicine.

And at that doctors appointment I had to initial and sign all of this paperwork… because I am on controlled substances I guess they call it. So when I take 0.5mg Klonopin 2x a day and 1mg Ativan PRN… I feel like I am labelled or something. Frowned upon. I had to talk about how people sell their pills and sign things saying I would do urine and blood tests anytime and now I must bring in my pill bottles for pill counts. For medicine they are taking from me. I guess I will still have the Prozac but alone it isn’t enough. That is why the other doctor set up my meds this way, especially for my PMDD and PTSD.

I guess I mean they have to do what they have to do. Dr. B never had me do any of this in fact… no one has. So I feel a bit down on myself and situation. But we are praying and we even pray with oil at times too and my sweet husband has been encouraging.

I do not know the Lord’s will. I just don’t have much hope I will find a psychiatrist.. someone who truly gets psychiatry and can help me well. Don’t get me wrong, my new doctor Dr. G is very kind and I truly believe has good intentions… he just is not a psychiatrist and that is exactly why he wants me to have one. So I went from Dr. B having no issues helping with the med part when I did counseling to….this.

Lord…Your will be done. Please Lord calm my heart and help me focus on all You are. Anything is possible with You. I love You no matter what. In Jesus Name Amen


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