Late night ramble

I feel so “blah.” It’s like I want to cry but can’t and I don’t even know why. Well, yes I do.. hormones but aside from that no triggers this time. So I mean I guess that is a good thing.

I just can’t sleep. Honestly sometimes I really do not like having PMDD… okay there really isn’t a time where I like it. I would say that and the PTSD are the worst of my issues. But I know, they don’t define me. My worth is in our Lord, Jesus Christ. Feelings are feelings, God’s word is truth. I am working on reminding myself of that.

How I feel right now… numb, fat, ugly, apathetic, fatigued, slightly anxious, worthless, did I mention fat? lol For real though I have gained a significant amount of weight in the last year and it is discouraging yet my anxiety keeps me frozen inside of this apartment. I don’t see the outside world as safe as it used to be.

I am boring. I feel like I pray too much and think of Jesus too much. I feel like I am a loser because I don’t watch tv. I am disgusted and at times triggered with the amount of objectification of women. Modesty is no longer embraced. It’s on news sites, on tv, in movies, magazines, sporting events… it’s all around. Yes part of it has to do with past traumas I don’t want to say because I want my blog to be family friendly as much as possible. I just feel like I am a boring person, like I don’t fit into this society or world.

But see…feelings. These are all just feelings. God’s word never lies but our feelings can deceive us. It will pass and in Heaven it will be so amazing. No suffering on earth compares although it can be quite uncomfortable. And we end up feeling like we don’t belong sometimes but we belong to God if we are truly born again in Jesus Christ.

I love Jesus and prayer and cats and hymns and the Bible and of course my husband… no offense naming him after cats! lol I like to color scripture art and read from prayer books and learn about animals. I like sermons and Bible studies. I like the sunshine and the occasional iced coffee. I like creating art on Polyvore and playing Animal Crossing New Leaf. I love God’s creation. That’s just me. I don’t need movies or tv. I don’t need anything really but Jesus.

So right now I am just this big ball of a bunch of stuff and I just took some Ativan which should help me settle down a bit. I just wanted to do some writing. I still truly find it to be therapeutic and perhaps it will touch someone along the way.

I am blessed with a loving and forgiving Savior who looks at my heart. I am blessed with a great church and a loving husband who compliments me even when I feel ugly or down. Who makes me laugh through tears. Who prays with me and brings us to church. I am blessed with cute and very affectionate cats, a roof over my head, food, clothing (although my jeans don’t fit really lol)…. and so much more. More than I need and none of it I deserve. I just like to end on a good note. We are all so very blessed if we only take the time to look around us.

 

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Thank You Jesus, for loving a sinner like me. Even though I feel negative feelings right now, Your word is truth. Please help me and also others to lean on You and remember this when hard times come.

Please help and heal those who struggle with mental health issues as well as physical issues. Lord help us to turn to You for our source of true strength and comfort.

And please Lord help younger people to be saved and have Godly influences in their lives. Please Lord don’t let them make the same mistakes I did or get into unhealthy situations. Lord please protect the youth Lord and shower them with Your wisdom and knowledge and blessings. Help everyone to repent and turn to You and help us to love one another as You love us.

It’s in Your name I pray

Amen.

 

 

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One thought on “Late night ramble

  1. It is so good to get this out of your head and “spoken”. I find when I let things fester (especially the fat, ugly, old, etc. things) they grow and morph into more ugly thoughts. I can also relate to the idea that you think too much of Jesus. I felt that a lot when I was younger and my late husband and sons have accused me of it, but I’ve learned that there is no way to think of Jesus too often because He is everything and He created everything and He lives in us. Now, I get upset when I go for any length of time without putting Him at the forefront of my mind. It is a blessing that you think so much of Him.

    Liked by 1 person

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