As I laid in bed attempting to sleep, I started saying some prayers. Then as I was praying, I was reminded of how my primary care doctor is leaving later this month. Tears started rolling down my cheeks as I quietly cried just a little while trying not to wake my husband. I decided to write about it and work on focusing on the positive and ultimately, Jesus Christ.
I had been too trusting of doctors in the past basically letting them make all of my decisions for me. I thought because they were doctors they knew it all and I didn’t have to say anything. Then when I had let’s say side effects from medications, I was given another medication to combat the side effects. Then the new medication created even more side effects and so I was on more pills. It was a vicious cycle.
So after my doctor stopped my Klonopin cold turkey back in I want to say 2007, I felt like I was literally dying. I hadn’t been seeing this doctor long, a psychiatrist and he wanted me off of benzos. I had no problem with it so I blindly trusted him. And I mean, nowadays there is so much more information about withdrawals perhaps he just didn’t know. So I went cold turkey after being on the only medication that seemed to work for me for 3 years. I felt so awful.
Once I endured literally months upon months of horrific withdrawals not even understanding what was taking place, I sobbed on the floor to Jesus. I remember crying in the back pew of a church when I hadn’t been to church in months. All I could do was cry.I decided I was never going to trust a doctor again. I decided I was never going to take even an Aspirin ever again. I hated all medications and I wanted no part of them. When I got sick, I didn’t go to the doctor anymore for fear of medicine they might dispense.
Fast forward to 2014 I am here out in the Midwest, engaged and blessed with insurance. I started having severe mental health issues and panic attacks. I came to this breaking point of like I need to do something but I honestly was afraid to trust God about it or doctors. I prayed a lot, I cried a lot, and I often picked fights with my husband while trying to catch my breath and not feel like I was dying.
So I found this doctor and he was new to the practice. I was honestly very nervous to talk to him about mental health more than anything. So the first year he was my doctor he knew about my issues to a degree but I barely went in except when he diagnosed my Rosacea which I am most grateful for.
Bit of a sidetrack here I suppose. I remember crying in the church bathroom back in New England at my little church and touching my face as it hurt and felt awful and rough. Thinking of how ugly I was and how people had pointed out the redness asking if I was okay. And of course if I cried, it became even worse. I thought that it would never be healed but God proved it would be healed. Now my face still does get red but it is much softer and I don’t get all itchy or have pain.
Okay so back to the tougher stuff to talk to my doctor about. I was afraid to tell him that I was afraid of medication. So I told him about my previous experience and the withdrawals and how for years I avoided medication. He patiently listened and we tried some combinations until we found a very successful one I am on now.
This doctor cared. This doctor stayed and listened to me talk way past the time allotted for appointments. He also encouraged me in my faith because he knew how important it was to me. When a medication made me sick, we tried something else. He helped my PMDD and other mental health issues as well as my marriage.
So now he is leaving. I am sad. I don’t like loss in fact, I hate it. My old pastor once said that I was one of the most hesitant people he knew to face changes. I liked the familiar, even when it wasn’t good. I don’t want him to leave. I feel like I did when I moved out here and left my old therapist behind. She even wrote me a little note and printed me out some poems before we said goodbye.
I know that this is their job. They get paid to see us as patients. We are not technically their “friends” as it is a professional type of relationship. Still, parting is hard especially when we build that trust. But thankfully he said the next doctor is a lot like him.
I will miss his guidance but I always have God’s guidance above all and I see how God used him in my life to greatly help me. I won’t ever forget it.
So I would like to say thank You Lord for helping me find this doctor. Thank You for my husband helping me as well and being by my side in good times and bad. Thank You for the healing I have received through treatment. Thank You so much Lord for hearing the quietest whispers of my heart when I could not speak and for taking my tears as prayers. Thank You for helping my face to feel better. Thank You for helping my panic attacks. Thank You for Dr. B and the staff there and for the insurance. Lord I love You, I praise You and I ask that You continue this healing journey You and I have begun. I ask Lord that You save my doctor if he is not a Christian. I pray that he is blessed beyond measure wherever he goes and that all of his patients, old and new are saved in Christ Jesus and blessed and find healing they are looking for. And I ask You Lord to help me embark on this new season upon me with renewed hope and trust in You. And I thank You so very much for such a loving and Godly husband and a supportive church and prayerful friends online and offline.
In Jesus Name Amen